I will be the first to admit that normally I have very few positive memories to celebrate and reminisce about. I’ve experienced more than the usual traumatic lessons in life, so sometimes it became extremely difficult to say, “I was happy, and truly mean it” What’s so marvelous about my historical life is that I was able to find the positive in just about EVERY situation. I was able to keep on going, I have the ability to know that what happened to me is not who I am. Not many people can turn a negative into a positive and keep it from affecting their existence at the same time. I’m not boasting however I do have many things to be proud of; don’t we all?
The purpose of this entry is to deliver a lesson I recently learned. As often as I have faced the adversities, stared it dead in it’s eyes. I still couldn’t manage to get the memories out of my head, out of my heart, out of my soul. Now I know it’s a little hypocritical to say I didn’t let it affect my existence. Considering I just admitted to not being able to rid them of myself, to admit that they plagued my being. To clarify what I mean is I had more than a pleather of opportunities to kill myself. There were many times I thought about how magnificent the world would be if I was just to END IT ALL…. At each and every moment I had those thoughts and feelings, my spirit was strong enough to deter me into a brighter aspect of life. I remember the thoughts and me coaching myself mentally saying, “Cry Shantay, just get it out!” WE (heart, mind, body, spirit, and soul) know you have no one to turn to, no one to save you from yourself. No one to tell you everything will be okay, No one to LOVE YOU, no one to show you how or tell you that you must first love yourself. But you do have US, WE have each other. This is what is important because as much as you want someone on the outside, INSIDE is what matters…..WE were there with you through every single moment.
That’s what I mean when I say I didn’t let it affect my existence.
I confess this to you because as the month of May began, I claimed that is would be a great month. To my surprise it was moments that made it monumental! Moments that gave me more memories to cherish. moments that turned to memories that I’ve never had before…. I did experience my bad moments that could very well be tragic moments, but I forgot about them they don’t hold value over me like a bad memory use to. I realised that today as I replayed the recent moments that are now memories to my co-workers. People asked how was my weekend? Since yesterday marked the start of a new month instead of saying my weekend was great, I found myself saying that I had an amazing month. I wanted to end like I began but better. With all of the adversities we face on a daily basis, I need everyone to know that those moments will become memories and your memories are what you make of them. It took just about a lifetime for me to ignite the change in my memory patterns, but I’m glad I am finally able to conquer my own beast within….. I wish someone would’ve taught me, or showed this to me sooner than now, yet I’m grateful to learn and share it with you all at this very moment….. which will become a memory I am blessed to share….