(in Hinduism and Buddhism) the sum of a person’s actions in this and previous states of existence, viewed as deciding their fate in future existences.
destiny or fate, following as effect from cause.
My throat was so tight I couldn’t swallow, it’s hard to describe my emotions because all I could feel was love mixed with pain. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t, somehow a couple of tears were able to escape my eyes. It seemed like visions of me, different versions of me from my past, present, and future were with me. The sound of my voice whispering in my mind, all of them, they were different points of my life whispering different things. Making me aware of what happened then is not what is happening now. That now is a time for me to completely let go, to embrace and enjoy. Time to be who I am and who I was meant to be so I don’t become who I am not supposed to be. So I do not carry what it is already gone throughout life with me.
Just the other day I went to counseling, I was telling my counselor how I felt like I have the tendency to mock the behavior of my ex husband. The way he would assume I was doing things I wasn’t, the way he would love me and hurt me all at once. The way he would not trust me and reject me. All the things that he would do to me I found that sometimes unknowingly I felt I was doing those things to others. I gave her examples of my actions real events that actually happened, I linked the comparison with the two. But she didn’t agree with me. She said she feels like there’s something more I need to address something more that is being hid. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I had to agree. There was something missing, the turning point of my transformation. For quite some time lately I’ve been feeling like I’m releasing my hurt but I’ve come to realize that I was only projecting it not letting go. I was loving others more than I should and I was loving others more than I was able to acknowledge the way they love me.
I don’t know why I feel as though I have taken on the behavior he possessed, maybe because it was forced upon me and I allowed it to be this way for the many years we were together. What I do know is seeing myself outside of myself was very painful, it hurt me to watch me hurt others and more importantly myself. I’m no saint to this dilemma because instead of leaving the pieces broken and moving on to rebuild a new me with my children, I kept picking them up and repairing them. I kept mending them back together even when I knew they didn’t fit. There were times I couldn’t take the verbal abuse so I would escape it by filling my voids with the attention of another man, taking time to just sit alone and contemplate my next course of action. Action that included me being tired of the things that happened, but not tired enough to actually get up and leave. He would be everything I needed and wanted for the moment and then the next he wouldn’t. You see I did to people what he did to me, I did to others what they did to me. The cycle was never ending, it was “never” tick for tack. I don’t play fair and I damn sure don’t fight fair. I refused to be the one with the most pain. When I got hurt by a person I thought loved me I would hurt them ten times more.
It wasn’t until my ride home I realised that at some point the pain would go away if I actually let it go away. I had to accept that not every time a person hurts me I should fight back. Not every person that hurts me is intentionally hurting me. But selfishness knows no emotion does it? I knew Karma would get me and I knew who would be my Karma, I said that I was able to handle it all. But the truth is this shit hurts like HELL! Lying, and pretending, making a person believe something that isn’t really true. Leading someone on to believe that’s its fate that brought us through. Are these really the things I did to someone else? Or are they just things I need to learn from because I chose to fight back the time before? I’m not quite sure which one it truly is, but I learned that every form of good karma you give then in return you erase bad karma from you. It is the pivotal point that pushes you to the brink of transformation or remaining the same …
Finally I took a deep breath through my nose just so I could know the scent of my own bullshit. I exhaled to let go, I accepted that pill was hard to swallow.
Now, now I’m ready, I’m ready and I feel resilient enough to take my own blows…..
The toughest battle about facing yourself is accepting yourself. The toughest battle about facing your Karma is not retaliating against yourself.
Give Good Karma so every spoonful you get in return is one you’re willing to digest.