Posted in BlackLOVELives, BlackPower, Family, LOVE, Mindfulness, OneLove, Patience, Positive Thinking, Post A Day, Relationships, Self Growth, Self Help, Self Love, Spiritual Life Coach, Stay Focused, Unity

You Chose Your Mate

Now  why did he just throw his socks down right here!? The dirty clothes basket is right here, is it that damn hard to put them in the basket!?

Why is she always screaming, fussing, and complaining? Why is she always telling me what to do like she’s my mother, she’s always “trying” to change me! Why!??

The bickering back and forth, the misunderstanding, and misconstrued communication. The cheating and decieving, the lies and secrecy, it never seems to end, but it could definitely all be so simple. We LOVE and then we fight, we fight and then we LOVE. The circle never seems to stop and some of us don’t mind the more frequent fights, arguments, and disagreements. Some of us feel as though this is normal and that’s the way LOVE goes…. Well my dear friend may I be the one to tell you that this is not the way LOVE goes and this is not the way LOVE should ever be. Learning to live with your mate can and WILL have its ups and downs, the most valuable piece of the puzzle should be communication and understanding. Those two pieces will help you provide the compromise and sacrifice that is necessary to help choose your battles (known as arguments, disagreements, and fights) more wisely. I asked a question today…

“What did the older generation have that the younger generation doesn’t to withstand the test of time in marriages and relationships?”

I asked this question because so very recently there have been stories in the news about infidelity, lies, deceit, and so much more that has torn families apart. I sat back and I thought about the days my father would tell me, “your generation will grow up to be weak but wise.” I never understood what he was referring to but oh how I do now. When he would say that to me, I always begged to differ in my mind. I couldn’t bare to be viewed or seen as weak and wise or dumb but strong, there was always the need to be balanced. I watched many marriages and relationships plummet and now more than ever relationships barely make it past the first argument. I took it upon myself to stop pushing the facts of the double standards in heterosexual marriages, it just began to be a waste of words and energy. The truth of any relationship is people and yes I mean both parties are going to fuck up, lets just put that out there. What really matters the most is accepting a person for who they are, knowing that no matter what, you chose to love and be with this person during the good and bad times. Just because things are horrible and seem impossible to get through that doesn’t mean you, “throw the whole marriage away.” What it means is you give each other time, space (sometimes that includes real space apart in different locations), an opportunity to think and sort out what happened and how you can move forward without losing who you are, then finally moving forward together as the once happily married couple you were before the nightmare hit you. I don’t have all the perfect answers to love and life, so I asked around, and I mean I literally asked around. One Queen who is about to walk down the aisle for the first time in her life shared this with me :

In my personal opinion, women had a better sense of who they were. I think they had their insecurities but there wasn’t as much emphasis on being physically “perfect” as there is now. Yesteryears magazines showed pages of women advertising ovens, pots and pans. Today’s magazines are flooded with pages of lipo, makeup, and hair care products, to improve who we are as women, implying we are not good enough.
When you are secure with yourself, you tend not to focus on tedious things. You know that you will be okay because you have the option to just leave it alone or to leave altogether.
It’s not the situation that matters…it’s how you choose to respond to it. -April Martinez
I thought this carried a lot of weight because even though throughout the struggles everyone has faced as individuals, back then, they knew exactly who they were and they knew exactly what they were getting into. They knew what it took to keep going, they knew that LOVE was really all that matter and that’s what they had for themselves FIRST. Your mate will only change if they desire to do so, don’t create an ideal of who you want them to be and be disappointed when they don’t meet the imaginary requirements you have made them out to be. If you loved him /her in the beginning then you surely can love him/her in the middle and to the end. There  will be times that you feel as though you can’t stand each other, those are the times you need to remember how good it felt to be with the person you have shown loyalty, patience, love, and trust to. Remember how good it felt to just, “BE”.
Another woman told me:
One time my husband and I had been in a very bad place in our marriage, we were on our way to Atlanta and it started to storm while we were driving. I wanted him to pull over and he made me aware that we still had 10 hours to go. I don’t want to say what the argument was about but I can say that was one long ride with a person I couldn’t stand to be around at that moment. We made it to our destination and we enjoyed our time together and apart, our ride home was peaceful. We’re still together….
A testimony from myself… I can admit that my husband has worked my last nerve and sometimes I don’t want to breathe the same air he breathes. One day I was sitting at the dinner table eating and he came downstairs in the dining room where I sat. I looked at out the corner of my eye and he made his way to me. I don’t know how he knew but he knew I didn’t want to be bothered with him. He resisted the energy I was giving off and was resilient enough to press forward. He leaned in and kissed me on the cheek, I asked why he was messing with me? He said why are you, “acting” “like you don’t want me to?” Even though I was not wanting his presence I still embraced his love and affection, he still pressed forward to show me and give to me what he knew I needed and wanted. It clicked to me that no matter how bad the storm can get there is still and will always be that one special part only he can speak to, as there is only that special part I can speak to in him.
This isn’t the key ingredient to having a happy, successful, lasting marriage, (I’m still searching for that) however it shows that the love and loyalty you built your relationship/marriage with should always be enough to prevail the storms, tides, and unknown things that may or may not happen.
Love stands the test of time, Love stands the test of troubles, Love stands the test of patience, communication, and understanding… Remember you chose to say I do and you knew who you were saying I do too.


Mother and Self Created Queen seeking to change the lives of people in the world. I want people to know that #SelfLove is thee most important love in the world. I have experienced many things in life and know first hand how it is and feels to be alone in a world surrounded by many people. I started the social Media Label #FindingMe to promote and encourage self love, growth, and encouragement through life struggles. I am currently writing a book and studying life coaching, counseling, and psychotherapy. I advocate for movements in life, our universe deserves to know that there are more people who appreciate the greatness in life than there are who do not appreciate it.

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