It took a long time to get to this place,
And now that I’m here no one can ever erase …. I can see in color.
Mary J. Blige has always had a way to hear my cries, speak to my soul, and lift my spirit.
I never knew what it felt like to be free from yourself. I never knew what it felt like to be caged in by yourself, to be your own prisoner. I never knew what it felt like to unlock the door to a cage I thought someone else had placed me in and threw away the key. WOW! Oh-My-Goodness the answer to my question just came to me.
Why am I so attracted to these keys!?
I wear them around my neck, I wear them around my wrist. They are decorated ever so specially on the chains I carry. Never knowing what they meant to me until I sat here and typed these very words.
I— set my damn self free.
As my recognition came to me I first said in my mind, “unlock the doors and then throw away the key”. Then I realized I never threw my own keys away. They’re my trophies, their my gatekeepers, they are my keys to prosperity. Look at what has become of me.
Why am I so proud you ask?
There was a time in my life when I wanted to die just like many others. I felt like not just the world would be better without me. I felt like my children and my ex-spouse would be better without me. I felt like “I” would be better without me.
“That’s a heavy thought to think and heavy emotion for any heart to carry.”
It took a long time to see that I needed me, that I matter to me if I mattered to no one else. I needed and wanted to matter to me. Digging myself out of the many graves I had dug on my own. Carrying myself through the wars I created on my own, dragging myself through the mud where I created the storm. Fighting myself to stand up tall and to stand up proud.
Hearing my fathers voice ringing in my ears….
Don’t you hang your head low! Stop that crying, everything isn’t meant for you to shed a tear! Not everyone will like you because of the way you look! I know things hurt and some people hurt, but don’t let them know how bad they hurt you!
Absolutely no sense of vulnerability all I knew was to be strong for daddy, eventually I had to learn to be strong for me. In learning to be strong I begin to fight a fight and many other fights that were never meant to fight. They weren’t even fights it was me, all me afraid to let others in. Afraid to let myself in because that meant pain would come, pain would come form them by them. From me and by me because I allowed them in, in my space, my sanctuary, my safe-haven, my little place of—-what exactly?
I begin the #FindingMe Universe journey of writing, vlogging, blogging, and the facebook group. I started sketching the logo, it involved keys. I started sketching the cover of my autobiography it was a brick house and there were no windows, I needed each brick to capture my emotions of how I felt during my struggles. I needed each brick to be present so I could see where I needed to grow, where I needed the demolition to start. I got to the point where I had to stop because PTSD can be your best friend and your worst enemy. Remembering….
The flashbacks of the many trials I have seen and faced in life. the flashbacks that took me away from the present moments of my life. I’ve come to a point where PTSD does NOT rule me. I RULE PTSD!
Stepping into the realm of what I thought was no return, I found that what I thought would be the end of me was actually the beginning of me in many different ways. I was becoming the person that had been undone since childhood,. I was becoming me, no longer just #FindingMe. There’s joy wherever there is pain and there is one part of me that I know has to come to a pivot of closure. I haven’t figured out exactly where the joy and happiness is. I’m still learning where the lesson is and what the lesson is. When I know so will you.
I’m proud of me because I shocked myself, I’m able to fly, FLY free!
I can be me in the many forms that I am. I can be all that I am because I Am All Of Me. I’ve accomplished so many things and so many parts of FindingMe on the business homefront and primarily internally. I don’t just do this for the money because if I did lord knows my ass would be broke as a joke lol. I do this because if I’m loving this feeling and basking in this happiness then I KNOW there are many others. A world full of others, a universe full of spirits that are ready to fly free. i want you to stop being afraid of what people say and stop being afraid of what you already know about yourself and share it with the fucked up people in this world. Yes I cursed lol and it felt good to say it too.
I said it to acknowledge that I was once one of those fucked up people living blindly by choice at times. I was fucked by force at times. I was fucked up by chance and by forced growth at times. But I grew from it and so can you and many others too. You just have to want too, you have to NEED too. Inside of each and every one of there’s a person that was caged up because of what others said and did. Because of what we allowed others to say and do to us. Because of how we allowed their bullshit to affect us. Because of those things we became the bully to our inner being. We shoved that part of us into the darkest corner. We abused that part of us and treated that part of us the same way our abusers and oppressors did. We became what we disliked.
We abused ourselves. I’m proud of me for mending the love and happiness with my inner me so I can allow the energy to shine so brightly around my inner g.
Guess what there’s more to come…. There’s more of you because there is always more of me