Outlet for my cries outlet for my anger.
Sometimes these feelings put me in danger….
Of my self because I’m so use to dancing in the rain….
I’m tired of hiding my pain.
I just want to release
I just want to let go
I promised you & myself hurting me is something I wouldn’t do any more!
This skin you’ve given me is very tough to verbal abuse; Only tender to his caressing touch.
The mind you carefully created, nurtured, and coached into growth
How can anyone expect me to corrupt my oath?
I’m set for self-destruction if it ever comes to any thing or any one halting your mass production.
This doesn’t mean I’m a possible suicide…it just means that it’s only in you my everything resides.
Count down starting from 10…(inhale) 9, 8, 7,…
3, 2, 1…. 0 Exhale…It’s amazing how we find the strength to weather the storms coming over and over again.
Shantay S. McKennie
This was me maybe 5 years ago. Feeling as though I was tired, more than sick and tired of everything and everyone. I needed and wanted it to just be me, with me, by me, for me, nothing and no one else. Man I am more than glad those days are gone.
I wanted to talk about giving up to focus on some key points of giving up and how we NEVER focus on self when it comes to giving up. We are always focused on other things and people but never self. So……
“When do we know it’s time to call it quits?”
Sometimes we do and sometimes we don’t but what we do know is at that very moment we feel and want to give up more than we want to focus on anything or anyone else. Here are four signs of wanting to give up
- Feeling like we aren’t making any progress.
- feeling like and actually giving out more than we are receiving.
- Feeling like and actually running out of options and ideas of how to press forward.
- You have lost love, happiness, support and interest in said person or thing….
All of these are signs that you are wanting and feeling like it is time to call it quits, GAME OVER.
Now I have four questions for you to contemplate on, let them marinate before you read any further. Maybe even jot down your answers as they come to mind (you can always go back and revise them, it isn’t set in stone even if you did write it down).
- Can you/Are you able/capable of going without said person or thing?
- Will there be less stress, a sense of release, or will there be a sense of loss/failure as though you haven’t given your all. Like there is more you can do?
- What would your life be like without that person or thing?
- How bad do you want it? What was the very “first” reason for your WHY?
This is a bittersweet moment because sometimes the answer to all of the questions above are reasons for you to give up, pull the chord, Call It Quits…. Game Over. There are also times when the answer to the questions above are so empowering that the only option you leave yourself is to press forward and make it to the top. Then of course there are the times when you have a good and a bad reason for them all, that catch 22. Damned if you do and damned if you don’t.
These are all normal and expected feelings, it’s also very normal to feel stuck in between the good and the bad. You become the body in the middle balancing the good and the bad. Confused and stressing trying to figure out your options. Considering that we all are aware of these things, let’s focus on what we are able to do to counter act and set the record straight.
- Remove yourself (mentally) from the thing or person that you want to give up on. This puts you in a position to focus on something other than what is driving you insane.
- Channel your focus onto something other than what is making you want to give up. When we stop focusing on one thing we tend to come to a solution with the problem we were so dedicated on figuring out in the beginning. Consider it like losing something. As long as you are looking for it you will never find it, once you stop looking it’s right there in front of you *Hidden in plan sight*
- Give yourself a pat on the back. Hardly ever and more like never do we give ourselves credit for the things w have accomplished. We focus more on what is wrong and what has went wrong versus what all we have done up until now…. The point we feel like giving up.
- SHARE YOUR STORY/ACCOMPLISHMENTS…. This one is my favorite because each and every time you share your story
(please don’t annoy people and make this the topic of discussion every chance you get). When you share your story you begin to see and “hear” what all you actually have done. This will give you the push and encouragement that you need, want and are looking for to make that decision to give up or actually insert another $0.25 to continue the game you may still be in love with.
Some people and things are not meant for us to have, hold, keep, or even cherish. Most times those are the ones we fight so hard for. Ultimately it is your options and primarily your decision that matters. Not anyone else’s. Others can help you if you would like for them to help you figure it out. No one and I do mean no one can or should make you choose what’s best in love and happiness for you.
We do not fight enough for the things and people that are meant for us and that primarily includes self….
When you have some anger, hurt, pain, abandonment, and hatred tied to your father, how do you or would you expect for your children not to have those same affections towards you? When all you’ve expressed to them are those emotions. You’ve taught them to love you as you love your father, where and why should there be an exception?
These are the questions I asked myself the weekend leading into April Fools Day…
I asked myself these questions because I so desperately wanted to express those thoughts and feelings to my father, OUR father… Shaking My Damn Head….
This was the first time in history that all of my father’s known children graced his presence at once. You would imagine and think that this would be a glorious moment not just for him but his children as well. It turned out to be what my sister labeled a “shit show.” Showing favoritism, and abandonment in its truest form. I never expected my father would show his true colors in such a degrading way. I could go on and on about how not just I was hurt by him this weekend. But how all of us leading down to his grandchildren were also hurt by this weekend. Exactly how much good will that do? More than likely NONE, absolutely positively NONE.
So let me allow this to dwindle into the learning and growing parts of this trip. My intentions were to make peace and in making peace that entailed me making peace in the way I wanted it to be not the way it was intended for me to find my own peace with not just my father, but my children’s father. That peace was necessary because my children needed to see and know that regardless to the bullshit, their parents could get along and have a good time for their sake, forget our sake. Well to say the least their father and I did have peace and I hit some of his buttons as the peace was being made. It was nice to be around him and us not argue and fight. To not be worried if he would knock the hell out of me, (or as I use to worry more about in my past with him,) our children seeing him abuse me and talk to me in demeaning ways and being so flippancy with his choice of words. I was happy that things went well in that relationship, I enjoyed seeing my children smile from that. Having a feeling of security within their parents and our behavior/respect towards each other. One of the greatest foundations to bestart building.
Now my father I cannot say the same about him. There were things that were said and things that were done that I may never ever be able to help my children heal from. I’m okay with them healing on their own at their own pace as long as they heal. The moral of this aspect is I realized as the comments and statements were made that my father still held hatred and hurt. There was still pain, and disappointment in his heart for his father, just like us. His very own three children had in their hearts for him. He was angry with him for all the wrong things his father did. Unable to appreciate the small moments his father was there for him. I realized that as much as my father pretended to forget things and act as though he had grown past those things, he truly had not. He missed his mother but was too hurt to acknowledge that he wished he knew more about her and had a better bond with her. I kind of got the feeling that he wished his mother was around to save him from the things he “says” his father did to him. What’s so obvious about all of this is knowing that my grandfather spoke of his father mistreating and abusing him. With the wisdom of our elders, you would think he would say and do the opposite to his own children. His own 11-18 children. It’s intriguing yet sad how the things we say and do, our behaviors seem to trickle down genetically. We begin to wonder where the act of foolishness comes from but we never turn in. We never turn in to look to self and accept that it is within our being, and our DNA. The blow that hit me the most is my father could not comprehend that he too was doing the same things his father had done to him and his grandfather had done to his father. Genetically we all were each other, we all were one ….
I was blocking accepting that I would become this very same person inside of myself. Holding back tears, pain, and so much more.
Fighting the moments of me wanting to just lash out with anger, I held it all inside of me to not become that person inside of me.
My father is not the healthiest man in the world nor is he the sickest man in the world. I’m just willing to take in that one day he will not be here. I do not want my last days living as an adult like himself, to be spent the way he is spending his. Looking at a picture of his father (that he claims he does not want in his house) and still having no love for the man who helped give him life. I do not want to be living in the turmoil of hurt. Wishing I had a better bond with my parents on any level, when they are right here right now. I may not be able to get the relationship and bond that I want, but I am able to get something from them. What I am able to get, give, and receive is time, forgiveness, moments (no matter how big or small) of happiness, and just actually “knowing” my parents for who they are and what they represented. Their gift to their loved ones, life, and the world we live in.
I walked away with some bumps and bruises, and I’ll take those any day over scars and wounds that need more than just time to heal.
I wanted to add “Maya Angelou’s Poem: Mourning Grace” just to shed some light on the things we blame others for, they are truly a part of us. If it weren’t a part of who we are then how are we able to identify it in others? How can we ask something of our children we are not willing to give our parents? Reflection is such an important niche to have. To me it is one of the key things that can help us pick up on what we need to address within self before we think about turning a finger on someone else.
Mourning Grace By: Maya Angelou
If today I follow death,
go down it’s trackless wastes,
salt my tongue on hardened tears
for my precious dear time’s waste
along that promised cave in a headlong
to mourn for
“Love with grace while they are alive and you can love them with peace when they are gone.”
Our memories are tied to our feelings at the time of the event. If we were in a place that made us feel afraid then whatever happened at that place is tied to fear. If we were happy during the moment then we relate the memory to happiness. If we experienced a traumatizing moment then our memories are tied to specific things that we focused on in that time of being traumatized.
- Pull up those roots
- detox; cleanse your wound
- Nurture; tend to your wounds and spirit.
- Set up boundaries
Bonus: Find your growth from the pain. Do not allow it to be the reason you don’t live your life with inner peace, self happiness, and self love.
We are going to get more than just mental, spiritual, and emotional, let’s include some physical work with this. Think of yourself as a plant, flower, or something that grows with tender love and care. What does your spirit resonate with well? What speaks to you and syncs with your being?
Find your roots of pain and imagine yourself ripping them out of yourself! Don’t be afraid of the pain you’re already experiencing it. You’ve been experiencing it, and you’ve been holding onto it for how long!? It isn’t an easy task to identify the pain within us at times, because it isn’t like we always know the pain exists. When you find it no matter what the case may be rip those roots of hurt, anger, and pan out of you. Create the space for the wound to do what it will naturally do best. HEAL
Detox, cleanse, purge I mean literally let go of the things that plague your mind, body, soul, and spirit. At some point you have a choice to accept that your pain will only stay there because of you not letting go of it. Darkness can only be present when your light refuses to shine. When you refuse to shine. Do not put anything or anyone in this space that you have opened up. You need to allow yourself to be clear and cleansed of your dis-ease.
Nurture your wound(s) give yourself some me time. Love yourself the best way you are able to love yourself and the way you wish others would have loved you. The way you trusted, expected, and depended on them to love you. If you wished your parents loved you more love yourself in those ways. If you wish your siblings would have done more sibling bonding type of things. Then bond with yourself int hose ways and fashions. There are times when we begin our healing process that we aren’t capable of putting out that type of love for ourselves to ourselves. This is okay it comes with time, patients, and compassion. There are people out there that want to love us in the ways we want, need, and deserve to be loved. The way we wanted those other people to love us. These are the people we call our second moms and dads, our best friends that become like a sister/brother to us. These people will love you unconditionally, you just have to allow them to and you also have to allow yourself to love yourself unconditionally as well. do not abuse these people’s types of love either. It isn’t always easy to love others during a healing process. there are ups, downs, turn arounds, and so much more. Just be willing wot work on the relationship with each other and give each other the space and time needed to help your relationship grow.
Setting up boundaries are largely confused with having walls within us that keep people from ever entering into our realms. Walls are just that different, you have to tear them down, access windows, doors, and maybe even keys in order to get into the lives of those people who have these walls in their beings. Boundaries are different, they give the space necessary to see, respond, react, and more importantly trust yourself with allowing people to come closer. Imagine standing inside of a circle however big or small is completely up to you. However big or small determines a lot of what you will and will not tolerate. Once you have established these boundaries if it makes matters better write them down and hang them up in a place where you are reminded of your own boundaries and others see them to. It builds respect for self and others as well as them building more respect for you.
Grow through it and Grow OUT OF IT!!!! You are not your experiences and you are not your pain, it does not define you. That is not who you are meant to be, it was only meant for you to learn and grow from.
Back to the item of growth be it plant, flower, food, or another thing that grows with your help. I want you to remember these things:
- Some plants/flowers require more work to help them stay alive than others do. Some do not require much work at all. Once you resonate and sync yourself with this plant/flower/thing I want you to journal how it feels to cater to something so needy, tedious, or independent. Which one are you?
- If you do not care for your plant/flower/thing you have allowed it to die. you have allowed your healing process to die as well.
- congratulate yourself and be happy that you have at least began the process of healing. It isn’t an easy thing, it feels good, and the most important thing I want you to take from this is It takes time to get to the other side that you really want to be at. The finish line is there just focus on your progress of staying in the race.
I’m happy that you found a new place to plant the seeds of love and light inside of the dark spots of your mind, body, spirit, and soul.
Dear Me, We, You…..
I was reading last night as I have been doing for the past week right before bed. I ran across this intriguing sentence that seemed to have turned on a light inside of my mind. Not that the light wasn’t on before, this was just a different light. A light of perspective and intuition. See this week I started reading before bed to help me unwind, remember I just admitted to not being able to sleep or shut off my brain. Well another reason I begin reading is because I have been having a horrendously major migraine that I just cannot seem to shake. It comes, it goes, its strong, its delicate, and it has held it’s persistency since the beginning. Usually a good nap, some great food, hot shower, something is able to relieve me of my pain and the annoyance of the pain. To my avail nothing and I do mean nothing was sufficient enough to aid me or comfort and console the plaguing migraine. Reading has become a distraction to help me at least fall asleep and calm my mind. Nonetheless that isn’t the aim of this bedtime journal entry.
Back to the thing, the thing that turned on the light in my head….
The sentence….“The last kernel in the bottom of the can.” I had begun to feel like the last kernel in the popcorn can. The light inside of my mind, helped me to realize that I have more than just a tendency to empty myself out prior to every Full Moon. I empty myself out and prepare to be filled back up to the maximum amount I am capable of filling myself up to. It has almost become a part of my 28 day cycle. A form of detoxing and or purging. A way to burn out and recharge. On a daily basis I Am giving and receiving, nurturing and watering, strengthening myself as I grow. I Am pouring myself out to be of service to self and others, so that I may be filled up again to continue my purpose.
If I never allow myself to truly empty out all of the things that actually do have the power to plague my spirit. Then I Am never really growing into what was written for me to be. With every plant that lives and every breath that breathes we must first utilize and consume the nutrients given and provided to us before we need, want, and receive more.
With all that is in this world and the people of this world need to grow from and let go of I will the power of the Super Strawberry Full Moon to supply the strength necessary within ones self/itself. To dive deep inside of self and pull up the weeds that are destroying and killing the gardens of #SelfLove & #SelfHappiness.
Fill me up like the moon, Fill me up like the moon, Fill me up like the moon;
Let my heart be happy soon, Let my heart be happy soon, Let my heart be happy soon
Pour out to be filled, Pour out to be filled Pour out to be filled.
Let the soul cry so the spirit can heal, Let the soul cry so the spirit can heal, Let the soul cry so the spirit can heal.
3 times 3 times 3 times 3
I will it so, so will it BE
Place the power of Love In Light Inside of Thee
I Did It..
I filled up like the moon
“You gone keep fucking around and make me kill somebody.”
Those were the words that I needed to hear in order to choose a better life, in order to save lives. Lives like mine, my children, and whoever else that could or would possibly get caught in the line of fire. That night I slept with my guardian angel statue by my bedside. She was a gift from my baby sister, a form of spiritual protection and physical protection. One of her wings was broken, she was heavy and could be what I needed for survival if necessary, she was my choice of a weapon. I found it hard to sleep and could only wait for the time he left to go to work. That was the time I napped and planned my escape. I was a stay at home mother because I had lost my job by failing a drug test. I dropped dirty with marijuana in my system because I was told and forced to smoke with him even when I didn’t want to. It was the way we got along and the way we spent our time together after work, before work, and in general, it was the only love language we spoke with each other. I referred to it as , “our common ground.”
I viewed myself as eye catching because I Am beautiful on the outside. The trouble was I had deep rooted, ugly scars and wounds on the inside. They showed; not to all but to those who know what pain and lack of #SelfLove looks like. I wasn’t a mean or negative person unless I had to be and I chose to be. More than not I chose to be ugly by acting ugly, looking for love in all the wrong places with all the wrong faces and cases. As I’m writing I slightly chuckle because these are the times in our lives when we “think” we love ourselves. No one can tell us otherwise, and we are “PRIDEFUL“ of who we are, what we do, how we act and it shows. It shows that being ugly to the bone has the potential to be real in our lifetime. Back then I was the type of person that pointed the finger at him, *yeah, my ex-husband*. He was the blame for me acting ugly. He was the blame for me not wanting to do right and choosing to do wrong when I wanted to do right. I could admit that I wasn’t the stand-up woman and that I did things out of spite, however my reasoning for doing things out of spite was because he did it…. He did it first, and he did it to me first, I didn’t purposely hurt him and choose to do wrong unless he did it to me. I purposely chose to do wrong when I got tired of begging and pleading to him that what he was doing hurt us, hurt me and it was hurt in general.
I had a conversation with him and things I could never understand the answers to, gave me reasons for my whys and how comes…I saw that even with all that he did to me and all that I allowed him to do to me was only pushing me to LOVE me. It was pushing me to be more than just in tune with self, it pushed me to be me. It pushed me to fight for myself because no one else would and even when they did, I stopped them. I stopped them from protecting me, loving me, and showing me, that not everyone in this world was out to hurt Shantay. It just felt that way because that was the only way I knew how to feel, it was the only way I had ever felt … people, the ones I loved the most hurt me, I hurt me. After running from self and the pain that others did inflict on me, the pain I allowed to happen over and over continuously to me. I gathered myself and I started taking ownership for the things I was doing wrong to myself. For a while I didn’t care that others hurt me because what was more important to me is Shantay. What is Shantay doing to allow this, to influence and encourage the things that were happening to Shantay? I didn’t find many answers as to what I was doing but I found many reasons to not do what I was currently doing and what I had done before.
I found “Beautiful” reasons to love me the way I wanted others to love me when I didn’t love me.
I found “Beautiful” reasons to know I Am just as beautiful inside as I was outside.
I found “Beautiful” reasons to take a different approach on myself with myself for myself,
I Found “Beauty Inside of Me….
Beautiful in many ugly ways. Beautiful through my hurt, through my pain. Beautiful within my anger, within my storm. Beautiful By Just Being Me, Loving Me.
I share this with you to give you the mindset of facing what you inflict onto and into yourself. To help you see that it isn’t always someone else you need to blame or someone else that you should blame. Sometimes and most times it is YOU, ourselves, it is WE, us who makes the choice to allow that misery loves company inside our souls. Once you pick apart that demon, the demon you think is in someone else you will see that it is you.
It is you that opens your own gates to hell, unlock the cuffs and release yourself from your own pain. Walk ahead of your strength and allow it to follow it in your shadows, remember leaders can lead without standing on the front lines…
I Found My Beauty, I Found ME
A series of Facebook posts over a number of days about a year ago. I was just beginning to put #FindingMe together, or I had already put it together. Either way it was around that time and I remembered how happy I was and how much happier I was determined to be and share with the world. Is there a such thing as being and or wanting to much happiness? Maybe it is in some cases and maybe it isn’t in other cases. To me an over abundant amount of happiness can make you feel as though the negative won’t happen or pretend as though it doesn’t happy.
Anyhow, I decided to copy these from my timeline as they popped up in my memories, I felt as though they can remind me of the place I was at up to the place I’m temporarily at now. It gives me the confidence and peace of mind I want to grow more into as the days go by.
“I can see more and more details of my dreams and how things will play out. I can make it through the storms no matter how difficult a storm has the potential to become.”
I shared these pieces then as I stated before because I wanted to share them with the world. Today I share them not only to share them with the world but to also take those like me by the hand and ask, “Are you coming?” If they say, “YES” and mean they are willing to work and grow to get there like I am, then I say, “COME ON, Lets go and let’s successfully grow together in SELF-LOVE, SELF-HAPPINESS, HEALTH, and WEALTH. To give those that I once stood there like a boost to get it moving, keep going and growing.
Many people in this world feel as though they can do it all alone, I use to be one of those people. I worked hard night and day, day and night, scratching, striving, hustling and surviving. I was dead dog ass tired but I was successful in any and everything I put my mind and effort to. BUT I didn’t have that support that we all need and truly want. I didn’t have the person I loved the most to stand by my side and celebrate with me. I didn’t have the Joy, love or happiness that was supposed to be there through it all and at the end of breaking the ribbon at every finish line. This time around I can and will say, that it feels good to have those things, those people that I did lack before, it feels good to do things and accomplish them not just because you KNOW you can because you want to and you love doing it. Plant your feet firmly wherever it is that you are at the very moment you read this and pay attention to everything going on around you. The places, the people, the events, the weather, the fashion, I do mean everything. The way you feel, smell, touch, taste, see, hear, and think… Remember where you stood 1 year ago and maybe even include 5-10 years from now.
**Did you grow, did you change?**
*Are you still experiencing some of the same or similar situations?*
*Has anything in your life changed for the better?*
*Did you learn from the past and enjoy the present?*
*Are you ready for your own future?*
**Where you are now, is this where you want to be in the future, or do you want more?**
I want you to find yourself somewhere within the words on this page, admit what part of you don’t like and embrace it as though you would embrace it if it were the best parts of you that you so willingly share without hesitation. Because even the bad side of you needs love too, that’s why it craves the attention. Now don’t feed it the negativity that it so strongly craves, metaphorically speaking, spiritually advising: for every piece of choclate you want, eat a cashew or peanut…Let the real you unfold, accept embrace and heal before you point at someone else and expect them to love you better than you have loved yourself… Grow with WATER, LOVE, DARKNESS, and SUNLIGHT because sunlight , love, darkness, and water create a happy growing life out of all the storms.
Remind yourself that people’s energies and emotions are contagious! Esp loved ones, you can always offer your help and support but don’t lose yourself in their emotions and energy. Sometimes you just have to leave them be and help from a distance or let them work it out on their own. I know it’s hard when it comes to your children and husband/wife but hey!, guess that’s what doors and couches and quiet walks and music is for. Find something else to do with others or yourself BEFORE you lose you in showing empathy for others. Otherwise ladies we will be slamming things around, lol stumping and making angry food (which he knows the difference of taste), and yelling at everybody. Men y’all will be leaving the house or indulging yourself with cheerful phone conversations (when you could be smiling with your Queen/family) or playing video games. The children will be confused, depressed, upset, and so much wondering WTH is going on.
Don’t go to sleep with negativity… It will follow you in your dreams and wake up with you in the morning.
Happiness…. Helping others does not mean losing yourself along the way… 💁😘
Loving yourself is so much more than admiring your appearance and being proud of who you are. Include getting to know who you’ve become due to past life experiences, be it good or bad. Know your body, mind, and soul and you’ll learn that granted you are who you are doesn’t mean that’s the person you should remain to be. To often we say if it wasn’t for my past I wouldn’t the person I am today. And that is most definitely true, but the person you are today, is that the person you truly were created to be? Or is it just the person you survived to become? Get to know the inside of you accept the struggles and the greatness. Manage those areas better and watch yourself blossom… That’s more self-love then admiring the outside of you!
Happiness… Smh my soul is shining and I want yours to also. 💡 this little of mine 😆 I’m gonna let it shine!
Sometimes in life you have to let go of everything in order to gain the best of the simplest things. This is a very hard thing to do, it’s painful and sometimes we just don’t want to let go because some things mean so much to us. Some people (even when they’re not good for us) mean even more to is. But pain is the first step to happiness, you have to endure in order to enjoy. Happiness can seem like the hardest thing to accomplish in life. But I can guarantee that it’s worth the struggle, the heartache, and the pain of letting go. Happiness isn’t about the gifts and material or money parts. It’s about understanding and accepting what’s best for you and “mind fully” managing others around you. And there will be times no matter how mindful you are sometimes it won’t happen and people won’t understand. And that’s okay accept it and move on life awaits you and happiness is there.
Happiness…. The best asset to life 🌞🌞
The only way out is to go through… Dealing with change is a challenge in itself. We feel like we are doing things for others instead self. It bothers me when we all say I understand, at some point you may understand. But your situation and another persons complication is different in every aspect. What works for you may not work for them. It’s advice to be considered and maybe even tried. Stay strong when things like this occur and don’t leave that person alone. It’s times like this that person needs someone to turn to. Change means getting rid of the old and bringing in the new. Change means being uncomfortable and stepping outside the box. Change means learning and accepting that things will get better in due time. You’ll feel like you’re losing yourself and that’s perfectly OKAY! Don’t give up it’s just learning and accepting that what you were is no longer you anymore. You have to face the person you were in your past to understand the person you are now and embrace the person you are growing and CHANGING to become.
As many walls you tear down you feel like there’s more being built…. It’s you rebuilding a better you for you!
Happiness… Only change from the inside can make you feel brand new in both areas.. Put yourself under construction and enjoy the new you! 😘😍😘😍
The greatest thing I have found to be beneficial about finding that balance within self and maintaining that balance within self is you give people the ability to choose which side of the scale they tip… Whether it’s the good side or the bad side, it’s up to the tipper.
Nine years ago I was growing through a major turning point in life as a mother and beginning the ending of an additional pain in my life as a now ex-wife. What I didn’t realize until just last night is something new was about to take place and be planted in the soil of my soul. I was about to meet the love of my life and I was also about to begin the journey of obtaining #Self-Love. I wasn’t aware that self-love had found me and nor was I aware that in a matter of months I would be meeting this amazing spirit.. the spirit that balances me and I balance him.
At a moments glance I would’ve never guessed it was him, the man I had parked next to at Wal-greens, the man I walked past in Wal-greens. But after we met, and we spoke, and we begin to build a friendship. I went to visit him one day and I noticed his car, it was the same car I had seen before, the same car at Wal-greens on that day. I was frozen in time,, we had the same car at Wal-greens and still the same car at that very moment. I of course stood there thinking, gazing, and wondering exactly what was happening before my very own eyes.
So I begin questioning him:
- Is that your green Cadillac Catera?
- How long have you lived here?
- Do you remember a year or so ago parking next to me, us staring at each other without speaking?
****** I Remember You!!!*****
We traveled down memory lane and for a long time he vaguely remembered that small but powerful moment we shared, but it was powerful enough to make him wonder, to make him STAY and find out exactly what all am I ABOUT.
We remained friends and time passed by, I was getting my divorce moving and he was just living and enjoying some of life. Even though he was my friend I was always more than just attracted to him. He had the touch to calm and send my spirit high all at once. His kiss was caressing the cortisol within my brain, his voice… mmmm mmmm mmmm his voice would send chills all over my body. I just couldn’t understand how a man younger than me had so much power over me, over my mind, my body, my spirit…. HOW COULD THIS BE!? I was stronger than that and hell I even knew better than to let a man take control of ME, but him…. he was my weakness. We never hit a “home-run” and I was the reason for that, I’m laughing as I type because when the fire burned, it BURNED and I got the hell out of there immediately.
I didn’t run because I didn’t want to fuse with him, I ran because I knew once we did fuse together things we were not ready for would start happening. More importantly I knew I was not ready to give him the woman he needed, wanted, and rightfully deserved. I was selfish and spoiled when it came to men back then. What I wanted I got and there were no exceptions and or substitutes. To get into the purpose of this writing I wanted to share how even though we are so very much alike in the relationships we create, I wanted to share the vast differences as well. I wanted to share the vast differences make us balance, they make us whole, they make us complete within self and with one another.
When I think of balance in life I think about the good and the bad, and most times people are taught that the good will outweigh the bad. For a long time I was a firm believer of that and I did more than just my best to see and practice it because that is what I was taught and I was determined to live by that rule. I mean who really “WANTS” to just see and live the bad and nothing else? After many successful attempts and more than many failed attempts I started to wonder if it was something I was doing wrong, did somebody curse me or put a hex on me? Then recently I started seeing the number “8”, I have always been attracted to the infinity symbol, but now I was almost drawn into the yin yang symbol.
What was so powerful about this symbol, why was I so attracted to it, and why did it seem to have so much of an impact or influence on my life at its current moment?
Balance Shantay is all I could hear, ground yourself and just live in the moment. Pay attention to what is going on around you and enjoy the good times, breathe through the bad times. I soon begin to see that the reason I couldn’t find the happiness in my storms of the past is because I was so focused on the bad that had been happening in front of me. I was taking the lessons and learning them, but I was also consuming the hurt, and anger, the sadness, the pain, and abandonment among many other lower vibrational feelings and emotions I had experienced. I was allowing the bad to overpower the good.
“A “true” spiritual person is able to find peace and solidarity in any situation, whether it is good or bad.”
What does spirituality have to do with balance?
Well when you think about it, the good and the bad, we start to decipher the good and the bad of our past moments in life. We start to weigh out the good and bad within ourselves, and that has the potential to affect spirit, your energy, your attitude, and what you are projecting onto others and into the world. Now some may beg to differ and that is perfectly okay with me. I’m speaking on my experiences and the experiences of others that I have met within this lifetime. I have come to learn that once self is centered and grounded then and only then are you capable of bending and swaying with the uncertainty of chaos and trials. Then and only then are you able to bend and sway with the growing pains that come with the relationships that you are building or have already built. In relationships there will always be the one that does something better the other one does, someone that can help you stand tall, strong and firm when you aren’t able to stand tall, strong, and firm within self. There should always be the other person who is able and capable of loving you when you cannot love you. Those are the things that balance relationships, being able to allow the other person to be the yin and you be the yang, you become the yang when they are only able to be the yin.
Life has it’s laws with balance as well, it’s the give and take of things with life and people. They say you should:
“Put out what you want to come back.”
I say that’s true, just not for every case and every person. When it comes to the things you want to receive in life then yes, you must put out there what you want to come back. When it comes to relationships and love, do not put out the love you want in return because the truth is no one, and I really mean, ABSOLUTELY no one can or will love you in that manner because that is the love you seek to receive. That is your love language and you must not love people the way you want, need, and desire to be loved. To make it a little more understandable,
I’ll use myself as an example:
I’m the person that likes and loves being caressed, touched and held… the touchy feel type. So what usually happens with my husband is I touch him a lot because I like to be touched. It isn’t the way he loves it’s the way I want to be loved so in bad communication terms we tend to express our love for others the way we want them to love us… with our own love language… When you find yourself doing this the only advice I can give is to apologize, take a step back, and ask for those gestures to be given unto you. People will love you the way they know how until you communicate the way you need and want to be loved by them. Even then they may not be able to provide it the way you would like it, it does not meant they do not know how to love it just means that is the capacity they are capable of loving others at.
Center and ground yourself there’s a better chance to find the balance and keep the balance…
Buzz Light Year… To infinity and beyond…
Back to the beginning:
Being centered and grounded gives you the ability to let people choose the type of relationship they want to build with you. What I mean by that is, they can choose for it to be good or for it to be bad. Wondering how and why when you have the power to pursue or cut the relationship altogether?
Well let us look at things this way, we all have good and bad within us and we all the right and freedom to create boundaries for our own protection within relationships. The thing that just so happens to always seem to slip our mind is people have intentions and sometimes people just want to see how things play/pan out. This allows a person to test your boundaries, to push when you want to pull, to stay firm when you want to bend. It allows them to tip the scale, your scale when you’re balanced to the good or the bad. However it is up to you as the individual on how you respond and how you proceed with said person/people. In short people as well as you and myself have the ability to choose what type of relationship they want to have with you by the actions and verbalization they display. Once the type of relationship is established you are the person who gets to determine the weight of the relationship, the weight it has on your life, the overall health of the relationship. Do not be afraid to choose you are the one in control of remaining balanced, grounded, and centered, and believe it or not relationships have the ability to affect and effect you, what is theirs can become yours and what’s yours can become theirs,
Relationships have the strength to knock you off of your feet …
#Rooted #Grounded #Centered #Balanced
Strength Lies Within The Center; Strong Apart & Even Stronger Together
So for a long time I have struggled with setting up boundaries with people who I love, you know like, siblings, husband, parents, close/best friends … those types of people. Now I know you’re probably already thinking:
- Why do you need boundaries for people who are so close and important to you?
- Because they are so important and close to you shouldn’t they know your boundaries?
- Shouldn’t they know you so well that they know what to do and what NOT to do?
Truth be told, it’s hard for an individual to pick out their boundaries because we do not always know what we will and will not tolerate until we experience it. We can say one thing and then actually do another, the perspective changes when you’re looking from the outside in and when you’re actually looking at the inside from the outside. This boundary journey is not so easy when you have to acknowledge that:
“what you cannot handle may hurt the ones you love.”
What I mean by that is sometimes we aren’t able to tolerate things or behaviors from our loved ones, so we have to leave them be during times they need us the most. It seems bad and unloving to not be there for your loved ones but the truth is you have to keep self together for self.
How else can your love and affection have an impact on others if you don’t allot those things for yourself?
Setting up boundaries comes from a place of hurt, each and every person has experienced something in life that has caused them to say, “I will NEVER allow someone to treat me that way again, or allow people to do what they do to me again.” We become familiar with what we do and do not want once our limits have been pushed to the max. If we aren’t careful enough to pay attention to what is transpiring then it will come as a surprise when something happens to make us release the beast from within. Typically that is what happens when we are stretched thin and pushed beyond our limits/or personal boundaries. When the smoke is clear you will hear the words, “They kept messing with me/ They asked for it! I told them to stop.” That’s apparent that you knew your limit was
- Already crossed and you decided to not address the situation.
- By not addressing the crossed boundary, you suppress what you feel from the first incident.
- Normally it happens again and yet another time if not many times after this you suppress the feelings you had from the first encounter and now the encounters that follow.
- Is usually the point that you can no longer take anymore and you blow up. Which makes you look bad because now you are not who you say you are.
The point being made is when you feel as though you are about to burst you have allowed and talked yourself, even suppressed yourself beyond your boundaries.
Take a moment and imagine you are a TREE. Whatever tree you want to be…
Your feet are the roots buried deep within the ground to hold you strong, firm, and steady…
You stand short or you stand tall
You have branches as few or as many that you prefer to have.
You have leaves of whatever color, texture, and shape you like.
Feel yourself become one with the ground and the sky.
Feel the wind blow through your leaves and your branches.
Feel the vibration from the song the birds that are nestled in your heart are singing.
Now take a moment to feel and embrace the different types of weather; sunshine, rain, sleet, snow, tornadoes, hurricanes, and so much more.
The leaves are your emotions….
Which ones do you nurture and encourage to grow?
Which ones will your branches detach from and let go?
Sometimes in life we hold onto to people and things that serve us no higher purpose.
Sometimes we hold onto people and things because of the HIGHER purpose they DO serve in our lives. the root of what they do and the position they hold; amazement, happiness, joy, love, life, protection, and warmth
We have to experience storms to shake those leaves loose, because of our unwillingness to let go of them we cannot bare anymore LIFE for another leaf to grow. The ones that we usually hold onto are either pain or joy. They either hurt so bad or they feel so good we don’t want to let go.
YUP it seems scary and hard to do, but just like the different types of leaves and weather you imagined changing, people and things in life change too. When you have that great foundation, your roots planted deep beneath the soil; your greatness and the greatness you know will blossom again and will surely grow.
Bad times in life and relationships don’t mean it’s the end. It’s time to let go and allow something great and new to begin once again.
I’m honest and outspoken, I reveal all of my emotions, I hide no pain or sorrow. He’s kept and humble, reserved and guarded with expressions. He’s detail oriented in order to get to his core, I’m headlined I reveal my core. In so many ways we love each other so differently, but our compassion is the same. we bend, sway, and be victorious together. We fight, yell, scream, and curse in defense of each other. Without me there is no him, and without him there is no me. It makes you wonder how we can be so much alike yet so very different in love with one another?
Somebody asked, “Why is it we can ALWAYS and will ALWAYS have a voice for our children(I’m adding “others”) but sometimes remain silent when it comes to our OWN well-being?
For the first time in a long time I opened up an additional piece of hurt in my heart to be honest enough with self and say:
- Because LOVE is living for somebody not with somebody.
- Because SOMETIMES we just know who is and is not worth our energy.
- Because SOMETIMES we don’t know what #SelfLove and #SelfProtection (boundaries) are until they are crossed.
- Because SOMETIMES being what we didn’t have to someone else gives us a reason to live.
It felt good to feel so free and peaceful. Calm and serene to accept that, “Yes I have been hurt and burned before too. But I didn’t give up on love, I didn’t give up on myself. I knew the better part of me needed to be released, it needed to be good I was feeling the way that I felt. Being able to understand and know why we love self less helps us start loving self more. We begin to fill in those voids with the correct type of love with the correct type of people at the correct time and the correct reasons. No matter how far apart and whatever reason the distance be it small or great… physical form may be detached but heart, mind, body (when you think you feel, when you feel your body senses), and soul are still attached.
Remember LOVE is internal (#MayaAngelou) in order for it to be eternal
When you’re tired and you fought a good fight … #God is all knowing so silence is my Ally… -Sway Washington #BishopMarks